Three Things Thursday

1. I’m bitchy about people being a real bitch.
2. I’m bitchy about people belittling others.
3. I’m bitchy to myself about how I should be a bitch.

Real Men Are Girls

I know I haven’t been updating in a while.  I lost my microSD card adapter and can’t get the photos my girls took off my phone.  I’ll get on it.  But, until I do, here is an article I recently posted at Dad-Blogs.  It should be up there in the next week or so.

Real Men Are Girls

I fold balloons on weekends at kids’ birthday parties.  Girls usually choose flowers, hearts or butterflies.  Boys – you guessed it – like swords.  I have also had boys request guns, bombs and once, a grenade!    Actually, as soon as I make a balloon weapon, everyone wants one, including most of the girls.  On the rare occasion when a boy does ask for a flower, heart or pink balloon of any shape, the parent will usually step in and say “no, he wants a black sword or he really wants a different color.”  In fact, mothers do this as much as fathers.  Why is that?  What’s wrong with a boy expressing a desire for something beautiful?  I love to trip them up.  Once in a while when a kid asks for a balloon weapon, I also make them a pink heart and tell them their dad asked for it.

I know this will probably be unpopular, counterintuitive and even offensive to some men out there.  But, in my opinion, being a real man means accepting, as playwright Even Ensler calls it, “your girl cell.” 

I have attached a video of Eve explaining what she means.

I know some people will watch this and immediately think she is a misandrist, a man-hater.  I already anticipate the jokes and cracks about her needing a real man.  In my opinion, it is a real man who listens to what she says and takes it to heart, because only a real man can truly recognize the power of the “girl cell” in the world and embrace it within themselves.

So, what is the “girl cell?”  It is, according to Eve, the part of each of us that “feels compassion, empathy, passion, intensity, association, relationship, emotion, play, resistance, vulnerability, intuitive intelligence, vision.”  Certainly men have all of these qualities as well.  But that is her point.  They are often stifled.

Eve thinks that we, as men, and as the human race, suppress our girl cell.  Many of us do and certainly, as a people we do.  Just look at the objectification of woman globally.  Cultures worldwide have and still do subjugate women by attempting to keep them illiterate and silencing them.  They are “to be seen and not heard” – treated as objects and commodities, sometimes worth less than animals.  In the same manner, on a personal level, our collective girl selves are subjugated by society.

Why is this?  Eve thinks it is because humankind has become patriarchic and so must suppresses those things we deem feminine.  In order to retain power and ownership of and in the world, the girl cell must be kept at bay.

We raise our boys on violent images of fighting and conflict.  We would rather them watch movies and TV filled with force and aggression than anything that can be considered a “chick flick.”  Boys are told they cannot be weak, tender or vulnerable.  As a boy, I have been trained to never cry, to be hard (don’t even go there).  Boys have to know the answers, even when they don’t and provide “security” when they are insecure.  Essentially, as Eve says, boys are trained…not to be girls.

In her words, we are taught that “Compassion clouds your thinking.  Vulnerability is weakness.  Emotions are not to be trusted.  Don’t take things personally…To be a boy means not to be a girl.  To be a man means not to be a girl.  To be strong means not to be a girl.  To be a woman means not to be a girl. To be a leader means not to be a girl.”

But, the fact is we are.  We have all of these things in us – the passion that informs wisdom, the vulnerability that equals strength, emotions that have inherent logic, logic that can save us, especially from ourselves.  By denying or pretending these things don’t exist, we are denying and suppressing our own nature.  When we harden our hearts, we become capable of all kinds of things because we lose the ability to care and feel.  We can kill and rape and do horrible things selfishly for “our cause” or our “security,” or against “the enemy.”  Certainly, not all people are rapists or murderers.  But when we sit at our TV sets and see extreme violence, abject poverty or the destruction of our earth and we barely feel anything because it doesn’t directly affect us in the moment, are we not just as bad?

I know there are plenty of caring men out there and many who are also fighters and soldiers.  I know that those warriors amongst us, regardless of whether I personally believe they are actually solving the problems or causing more of them, are doing it with a genuine heartfelt sense of duty and I applaud that.  However, figuratively speaking, I think the courage it takes to stand behind a huge gun in the face of death is not nearly what it takes to drop that gun when you are still in someone else’s sites and reach out your hand to them in a show of compassion, knowing they may well kill you for doing it.  But, that act, done over and over is the only thing that will end the cycle of violence in the world.  And, to all the warriors who strive to reach out your hand to the “enemy” on my behalf, I thank you.

I believe being accepting, empathetic, compassionate and giving is far more manly and important that being the biggest and baddest.  I agree with Eve that the girl cell is “central to the evolution of our species and an assurance of the continuation of the human race.  It must be very powerful to be a girl if everyone is taught not to be one.”  That is why being a real man means being a girl as well and that is an important lesson we must teach our children.

Dads in the Mix: Holly

One thing that must be dealt with in mixed families and in most families for that matter is religion.  I personally don’t believe that a family can really get along if they have drastically different belief systems.  I am an atheist and believe in the untapped potential of the human mind.  My wife does not ascribe to any religious dogma either but tends to be more spiritual than I and even uses the word god, although, her definition, I dare say, would differ greatly from that of a devotee of a specific religion.  Even though my family is Jewish and hers is Baptist, our personal beliefs are close enough that we find common ground, learn from each other and are, most importantly, in agreement about what our children are taught.  Religious belief is incredibly important to people and, as the “holiday” season approaches, along with goodwill, tensions also rise surrounding the “hows” and the “whats” of celebration and practice.  Sometimes those sensitivities, I believe, run a little too high and get in the way of what we should be focusing on; family, universal values, loving kindness, etc.

Ironically and somewhat hypocritically, I admit, I work for a Jewish temple (sent through an employment agency).  Someone called the temple during the December holiday season a while back to ask me if putting holly up in their company’s common areas for decoration would be appropriate.  They wanted to know if it had a negative connotation or was offensive to Jews.  They also wanted to know if there was a more neutral but still seasonal decoration that they might use to spruce up their building grounds.

Holly is one of the symbols of Christmas, representing the crown that Jesus wore and the flower of the material from which the cross was built amongst other things.  Since Jews don’t celebrate Christmas, let alone believe that Jesus was the son of god, my first thought was obvious:  create wreathes of holly in the shape of Jewish stars.

However, if you represent both Judaism and Christianity in your decorations do you offend neither – or do you offend both?  Further, what about all the other religions not represented?

What if you used symbols from all religions in your decor?  Well, that design might get a little busy.  I don’t know that a Christmas tree flocked with Hanukkah blue faux-snow, adorned with lotus flowers and a nine-pointed Bhai’i star and placed upon a Kwanzaa mkeka (mat) would be so Feng Shui.

So, logically, I recommended created a completely non-denominational atmosphere.  The major symbols of the holidays like menorahs, dreidels, Jewish stars, objects of African heritage, Christmas trees, wreathes, frankincense, myrrh, ivy, mistletoe, holly, poinsettias, candy canes, statuettes of men in loincloths, animals or swaddled babies and crucifixes would be the obvious things to avoid.

And, since Hanukkah has the menorah, Kwanzaa has the misumaa saba (seven candles) and Christmas is associated with light and candles, it would be best to avoid any lighted display.  Especially do to the fact that the number of candles lit varies from religion to religion.

Further, any invocation of the solstice or other Pagan holiday would certainly not do.  So, the place should be constantly heated to avoid association with winter.  Any snow naturally fallen should be removed as it falls.

The crescent moon and star of course is used widely as representative of Islam. This also might mean that the grounds would be closed at night or outfitted with a roof-like covering so nobody would see the moon and stars in the sky and think they might be left visible intentionally to invoke Islam.

Plus, subtler symbolism like Christmas bells or the Buddhist Precious Umbrella or Dharma Wheel should not be part of the mis-en-scene either.  This means that the location should be soundproof in case there are bells at nearby locations.  Streets around the location should be blocked off so that the wheels on the cars aren’t misconstrued (this can be arranged with the city) and people should be restricted from carrying umbrellas even if it rains.

Fruits and vegetables (especially corn) are associated with Kwanzaa and any other food, unless checked by a rabbi might not be Kosher.  If it were Kosher, it might offend the tastes of those who are not Jewish.  Thus, people should not be allowed to eat or carry food through the decorative area.

Further, I suggested being cautious with coloring.  I recommended staying away from Hanukkah blue, white or silver.  Red and green stand for both Christmas and Kwanzaa, which is also represented by black so these would also be colors to avoid.  Of course any other color derived from combinations of these colors could be construed as being biased.  And transparent or translucent decoration could not be used since placing them in front of anything colored which would be seen through them might be offensive as well.

I also realized that joy, dreams, miracles and any other emotion or concept associated with religion should be kept to oneself as one enjoys exists in the decorated area.  You wouldn’t want anyone else to think the company put you up to feeling or thinking a certain way to promote one religion over another.

It finally came down to suggesting the decorations be a nice black hole, which of course would have to be referred to as a “great void” because, as I mentioned, the black Kwanzaa candle.  But, then again, if you are trying to be neutral so as not to offend a particular religion and you decorate with quantum physics, which is science, you might be seen as catering to atheists by all those religious people who reject science.

At this point the solution is extremely clear.  Offer handicapped differently-abled children to do the decorating.  Nobody gets offended by them.  But, just in case, the only material you provide them to do the decorating is a legal notice that makes clear your intentions are not to offend or show bias.

Just don’t use my tax dollars to pay for it!

It’s barely Thanksgiving and I already see holiday decorations around town.  Let’s start this season off with the intention to remember what matters in life and get along, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof 🙂

Response from the Principal

I would like to update my reader(s) with the response I received from the Prinicpal of my daughter’s school when I proposed the Mix It Up at Lunch Day. I am very excited about the reponse, by the way, and think great things will come of it.

Principal ***,

I just thought I’d pass on the information about this wonderful school program http://www.tolerance.org/mix-it-up. It’s called Mix-it-Up at Lunch Day and it’s sponsored by Teaching Tolerance (http://www.tolerance.org/about), a project of the amazing Southern Poverty Law Center. It is a project dedicated to reducing prejudice, improving intergroup relations and supporting equitable school experiences in our nation’s schools. They have free educational materials, a magazine, and many award winning resources, which, as a parent, I would love for someone at the school to look into. Since Berg Girl 1 is half day this year, she couldn’t participate in a mix-it-up lunch but I thought it might be something the school could do anyway.

If not this year, when she is in 1st grade, I would love to help organize it. Either way, I would love to see some of the resources included in the school’s lesson plans.

Thanks
Berg Girl 1’s Dad

Hi there,

Thanks for the information. We have some teachers serving on a “Peace/Safety” committee, and I’d like to involve them in the planning. A parent, (parent name), is quite interested in issues of diversity and equality, and she would be a good resource as well.

I’m on it!

****

Kids’ Photo Gallery

More photos probably mostly by Berg Girl 1, maybe some by Berg Girl 2.

Only a kid would ask what happens if I use a camera to photograph a camera?  Will it blow up?

This is what they call “Happy Daddy.”  Sage makes it a point to show me pictures of Happy Daddy when I am grumpy.

Grumpy Daddy.  See above.

Who’s this guy?  Why does mommy have that funny look when she sees his picture?

Hey, I can point the camera up too!

Hard wood floors.  Nice.

OK, the hardwood floors are nice, but this is how I envision my room.

Painting with light..  “Light Bright – Making things with light.”  I am too young to remember that commercial. 

Self portrait.

Berg Girl 2 portrait.

Techno-Mommy series #1.

Mommy Reading Paper.

Let’s see if we can make this more interesting by tickling mommy’s feet while reading paper.

Another picture of a guy other than daddy?  No, this time I think she is shopping for clothes for daddy.

Happy Mommy.

Techno-Mommy series #2.

Grumpy Berg Girl 2.

Mom! There’s a beached whale in the living room. Never mind, it’s just dad.

Berg Girl 2 and Daddy.

Berg Girl 2 ON Daddy.

Still life with Minnie and Bears #1-5

Techno-Mommy series #3-6.

Picture Framed.

Sleeping Bunny series #1

Sleeping Bunny series #2